Separation.

Last week I went back to the early days of my marriage and told you how it all started. This week I will continue my story:

As the cab drove me home from the airport I was shaking. I knew I had to face Dan but I also knew my liberation meant heartbreak for my best friend. I had called him as I was leaving and asked him to be there, alone, when I got home. I guess the tone of my voice communicated something because he didn’t question me.

As I walked up the stairs to our apartment the door opened and there stood the world’s most solid man. The butterflies in my stomach exploded and the lump in my throat became almost unbearable. Tears welled in my eyes.

“Hi.” He said as he helped me with my bag.

I had no words. What was wrong with me? I began to sob uncontrollably in Dan’s arms. He walked me gently over to the couch and we sat like that for a long time. Finally I was able to compose myself. I sat back and looked up at him. It was then that I saw he had been crying too. I felt sick. How could I do this to him?

But I knew I couldn’t go on any longer living like this and he deserved more than I was giving him so I looked him in the eye and the words just began to fall out of my mouth. I told him how important he was to me, how confused I felt, how much I loved him but how unhappy I felt. I went on to share my feelings of desperation and loneliness and this is when things got really tough. Dan couldn’t understand. “We have always had each other.” He declared and of course he was right. “But not in the way I need.” I admitted.

I could sense Dan’s confusion and mounting panic. He had obviously sensed something was up but the extent of it had taken him off guard. His sadness turned to frustration and eventually he turned to me and shouted, “What the hell do you want from me?”

I paused, hung my head and said, “Nothing. I don’t think I want you at all. I need some time and I think we should separate.”

I will never forget the look in his eyes. It was a look of a man betrayed not only by his wife but his best friend. He looked me right in the eye and said, “Remember, you did this.” And then he turned and walked out the door slamming it behind him.

My head was spinning and I had this sinking feeling that I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. If I thought I was lonely before, what was it going to be like now? We had all of the same friends and, aside from that, I had lost the one person I shared everything with. Well, until recently anyway.

I went into our bedroom, emptied my suitcase, reached into my drawers and grabbed handfuls of clothes from each one. I had no idea what I was packing. I grabbed a few other essentials, wrote a note about staying with my parents and coming back for my stuff in a few days. And then I walked out the door having no idea what I was doing and leaving my life with Dan and everything that went along with it behind me.