“It’s finally you.”
That’s what he said when he picked up the phone. He knew I would call, eventually. And hearing his voice was the sweetest sound I had ever heard. I tried to say something in response but I couldn’t find the words. Instead, I simply wept quietly into the phone as Jackson whispered lovingly into my ear.
“Please don’t cry.”
“We will figure this out.”
“I hate myself for doing this to you.”
That last statement made me stop cold.
“You didn’t do anything to me. I am a grown woman. I made choices. What you did was give me something I didn’t know was even possible. You have shown me things about myself I never knew. You have saved me.”
And all of this was true. But what I didn’t say was that with those gifts, with his simple, boundless love, my life would never be the same. No matter how this all went down I would hurt people and I would lose something and I would never get that back. I knew this and it broke my heart.
I thought about Joel, a good man who loved me in the way we had agreed to love each other. How could I hurt him? But how could I ever accept it knowing that this was possible? I desperately wanted to tell Joel about this intensely pure, body and soul love that was out there. I wanted him to have it too. If he only knew, he wouldn’t settle for this either, would he?
I thought about my children, oh God, my babies. How could I do this to them? How could I be party to this deception, this massive betrayal. How could I destroy this perfectly packaged life and family? The thought of it made me cringe with self-hatred. Who had I become? How could I even consider doing this to them?
But then I thought of who I had been and who I would be if I didn’t. What kind of a mother had I been for the last 3 weeks? I was so ashamed. The self-loathing returned. My tears turned to sobs.
As my mind was spinning with all of this I heard Jackson whisper into the phone, “I need you. But they need you more. Oh God.” It was like he was reading my mind.
And then the line went dead.
To Cassidy: Wife and Mother was not judging LylaD for her thoughts and beliefs. She was judging her for her ACTIONS. Actions that affect others in dramatic and hurtful ways. Actions that cause hurt that will never be forgotten, and may alter her children’s ability to trust in relationships when they grow older. (LylaD knew there would be plenty of good and bad commentary about her actions when she chose to blog about this.)
You, ironically, judged Wife and Mother for her thoughts and opinions from your personal frame of reference.
Not that I agree with you that this is always bad. We judge others if they have prejudiced thoughts or opinions based on race, gender, sexual orientation, etc. And we should–those are damaging and abhorrent opinions.
To Wife&Mother: I hope my kids don’t encounter yours in the playground. You obviously don’t teach them the same values as I do mine – never, NEVER judge another human being based on what they think and believe. And do not ever take the high and mighty approach of judging them based on your opinions. How dare you be disgusted by another wife and mother who is navigating her own path through this thing we call life. How dare you inflict your own thoughts and beliefs in such a judgmental manner. Assuming you are the most perfect and wonderful wife and mother there is, how can you not then hold Lyla’s hand with her as she goes through something so scary. OK, you may not chose this road for yourself but to comment in such a harsh manner about someone who has chosen the other path. We support Lyla in this journey. As I support every single friend in their journey. I may not be in complete agreement with what you are doing but I’ll be right there with you all the way and I most definately won’t ever weigh in using my frame of reference.
Lyla D: Your journey is so valuable to the rest of us who battle with feeling “What’s next for me”. Is wiping running noses and packing healthy lunches all I’m good for. I might not leave my husband to find myself but at least you are teaching me that there is something inside that has gone quiet that needs to be awakened – either by another man, sport, art, interest.
What you are doing to your family is unforgivable and selfish. You disgust me. You don’t deserve their love. Go ahead and leave. Play with your little boy toy. But remember that you did this. Remember this when your children are in therapy and you are a lonely old woman.
Thank you, Marianne but I don’t deserve your sympathy. I am not proud of what I did but it is what it is. As for Joel, there was no “all over again”. Joel and I never had those feelings between us. We married because, on paper, we were the perfect match. We cared about each other tremendously and we fit into each others’ worlds. With Jackson it is the intangible. It is a reason for being.
Your writing makes me feel exactly what you are feeling. The sheer joy and the complete heartbreak. I just can’t believe what you are going through – even if it is a taboo – more so for women as it’s always expected to be the man who leaves. Poor you with Jackson being so understanding of your situation. At least if he was demanding and pushy, you could make a choice but to be so loving and thoughtful, how can you decide? On the flip side, how do you think Joel would react if he knew he was in the fight of his life. Could he make you feel this way all over again. That’s sometimes the biggest shame – the other partner doesn’t even know they are in competition until it’s too late. Great article.
Oh wow, Lyla. My stomach is in knots. I can not imagine being in your position. Your pain is tangible. Thank you for sharing. You are right, no matter what happens people will get hurt and you will lose something.