Tonight I googled ‘sad for no reason’ because I have been just that for a few weeks now. What I found was a website with two people performing a random modern dance in white shirts and their gitch. It made me smile. Smiling is good. I miss it.
I know I go through these slumps, as you know I do if you’ve read my blog for awhile now. This one is bad though. I know it will end and it feels like yesterday was a turning point.
I went to see a medium last week. I needed to talk to my mom. I wasn’t disappointed but it threw me for a loop. Not necessarily in a bad way. She told me many things that I was already thinking and pointed me in directions that I need to go. In a sense, it released me from obligations that I felt I had. But it has made me ache for my mom.
Part of the reason I wanted to see the medium was because of an ongoing dream that I have. In it, my mom has come back, she’s still dying but she’s here and doing well. But my dad is already remarried. It’s the same dream every few weeks and it’s shattering. I wanted to know if my mom was trying to tell me something. My medium sort of smiled and said, ‘that has nothing to do with your mom sending you a message, that’s just you wanting everyone you love to be here.’ I sobbed because she’s right. But I feel like after almost 14 years, this dream can stop. No?
Tragically, this week, my friend’s amazing mom passed away. Yesterday was her funeral and it was a truly beautiful service. All of the poems that were read were so meaningful. I listened to every word and tried to learn from the messages. And I did. One poem hit me particularly — it was called The Dash. Here is the author reading it.
The message is simple, it’s not anything we haven’t heard before but it resonated. I don’t want to waste my dash being sad. Looking back. Regretting. Doing things I don’t want to do. When we left the reception, it was pouring rain. I took off my shoes and splashed in puddles on the way back to the car. I went and surprised Will and picked him up at the bell (okay I was late but I tried) and we walked home, took our time and talked about his day. I smiled more than I have in weeks.
It’s baby steps. But my steps are heading in the right direction.
that’s a beautiful poem.
My cousin died many years ago and I used to have the same dream. She came back and her husband was remarried and she was just like, “that’s ok, I’ll start a new life.” I always woke up feeling the weight of the tragedy anew.