It’s hard, you know, to break a long-held silence. To write about the
unspeakable. To challenge strongly held stigmas. It’s hard to do; but
it’s necessary.
I’m talking about mental illness.
I’m talking about my child.
I’m speaking out because I’m just so weary of my ability as a mother being judged:
Are you sure she’s not just manipulating you?
You have to set some limits here!
Who’s the parent and who’s the child?
I’m also weary of having her problems diminished:
All kids act out. She’s fine.
It’s just a stage.
It can’t be that bad.
And I’m sick of being given the brush-off:
She doesn’t seem upset/depressed/out of control now…
It’s a red flag, certainly, but she’s essentially fine.
We don’t refer directly to psychiatry – you’ll have to be referred to a
pediatrician first. (Which, by the way, will take 6-8 months)
Most of all, I’m exhausted by my child’s behaviour and the emotional toll it takes on me.
I’m nearing desperation. I want to walk into the hospital and scream: MY CHILD NEEDS HELP! I need help.
But it’s different, you know. It’s not an illness of the body, with
symptoms manifest and sympathetic. It’s a different kind of illness.
It’s one you can’t really talk about, because people will either a)
criticize your ability to parent, or b) dismiss you as overreacting to
‘normal childhood behaviour’.
Well I’m here to tell you that I am not a poor parent, and my child is
not normal. She is ill and she needs help. Help that is incredibly
difficult to find. If you have a child who you suspect has a mental
illness, you will first have to come to terms with a few unsavoury
facts.
- Canadian healthcare is neither free nor universal. Getting a
child evaluated by a psychiatrist in Alberta can take between 12-18
months. I have had to wait 7 months to be seen first by a pediatrician,
and will have to wait at least another six following that consultation,
providing the pediatrician actually believes me. Many less fortunate
families do not have the knowledge, tenacity or resources (time off
work to attend appointments, vehicles to drive to specialist offices,
etc) to pursue this course. - It’s easy to get your child evaluated by a psychologist in
Alberta, because this is a non-listed service (meaning you will pay for
it out-of-pocket). At around $175 per hour, there is a very real
possibility we will end up spending our retirement savings to pay for
treatment. We’ve been to three different psychologists in as many years, and have
been advised each time to seek a psychiatric assessment (see point 1,
above). - It’s very difficult to get a diagnosis. The prevailing wisdom
seems to be that many kinds of mental illness (especially affective or
personality disorders) cannot be diagnosed, because children’s
personalities are too un-formed. This is despite many solid studies
showing that children may exhibit many of the behaviours common to
these disorders quite early on, and early intervention can be – in some
cases – life saving (this is because suicidal ideation and behaviour is
a frighteningly common feature of many mental illnesses).
oh, Kath.
I am so glad you are sharing this here and my heart breaks for you for all that you go through.
big hugs and much love. all the way from Atlanta.
Kath, thank you for sharing this. You are always so inspirational to others, even in your own times of difficulty. I am thinking of you right now and sending you love and prayers.
Kath,
I’m so sorry it’s so hard to get the help you need. Mental illness is so difficult to deal with. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you. Or for your daughter. Thank you for sharing your story so that others can know they are not alone or that our children’s needs aren’t being met. I wish I could help.
Well said. I have lived your life for the past 3 years. Ours ended in a huge episode on the long weekend in May. My daughter jumped out of my truck while I was driving. Only at that point did anyone listen to me that something was wrong. I could not even mention the word physc ward, let alone tell anyone where she was for 2-3 weeks. Fast forward 7 months, we are dealing day by day, which is progress, because it went min by min then hour by hour. Your recalling of the comments of others and the hurt feelings is right on the mark.
My daughter is bipolar II hypo manic. It is a life long struggle that we are learning to deal with. Thanks for your thoughts. If you ever need to talk or vent, contact me….I’ve been there.
You are so strong to share here. I am sure so many will be grateful for your advice and information. I agree, videotape her as best you can without her knowing and make the doctors take notice. My second boy has behavioural issues and all this was ignored by docs as a “stage” even though it started at age 2 and continues 6 years later– I videotaped him and this made some difference when speaking to a doctor. However, it was all still dismissed and only when I finally diagnosed him myself thanks to late night Google searches and we were able to get him into an SPD clinic at Sick Kids. It has all been a great reminder that we have to really take health care into our own hands. Good luck.
You are amazing to speak so candidly. You will be helping- so much and so many. Even if you never know about it- there are probably people right now whose suffering is lessened just by knowing they are not alone.
That is SO crazy. We are in Toronto and when my son was having a tough time with anxiety a few years ago we got into a Psychiatrist immediately. We didn’t even need a referral. Something seems really wrong when a child can’t get the help she needs.
I think Lori’s idea of video taping is brilliant. No one can ignore the truth when it is right there.
Your poor little girl. She needs this to be addressed so she can start to feel good about herself and start to do what is necessary to help herself. And poor you. There is nothing worse than watching your child suffer and feeling helpless.
When my brother and I were young (14 years and 12 years respectively), and we were innitially told about a history of child abuse in my mother’s life, we were both “told” to go to a therapist to discuss how this made us feel. Living in Ottawa, we were sent to a social worker instead of a psychiatrist – I suspect partially becasue of the wait list involved. Since the social worker worked for the city, it was a “paid by your taxes” service and there was only a 2-4 week wait to see one, instead of the crazy wait times involved in seeing a psychiatrist OR the crazy costs involced with psychologists. I also believe it only took a referal from your GP (and not a second referal to a pediatrician).
Hope this is helpful information… Since this was 20 years ago, and in another province, these services may not longer be available… but may still be worth further research.
Good luck!
This brought tears to my eyes. It takes courage to share this and I have no doubt you’ll help others who can relate and read this. As a note, I had a work colleague video tape their child acting out because their doctor also said “…he’s fine right now…”. This made a huge difference once the doctor could see the night & day behavioural difference. Their child is now receiving the treatment and medication he needs to live a happy, stable life. (As a note, there is a family history of mental illness and still the doctor was reluctant to acknowledge the situation before the video tape.)