A common topic that arises among my friends who are working moms is the "nanny issue." Almost universally, a mom’s relationship with her nanny is complex and fraught with guilt and "bad mommy" issues. I feel quite blessed in that my nanny is an incredible person who’s been with me for close to five years and has definitely earned her place in our family. Fate brought her to our door with close to no references, and we hired her on an intuition that has served us well.
However, the many virtuous qualities of my very own "super-nanny" does not eliminate my own issues that sometimes creep to the surface. I now work on a part-time basis, 2.5 days a week, and my nanny works 2 days a week, spending the rest of the week working for another family, who happen to be good friends of ours. My children adore our nanny, as they should, and eagerly look forward to the days on which she comes. Is this my issue? Does this trouble me that my kids have such a huge place in their heart for her? Not at all – that is not my issue. On the complete contrary, I would be suspect if they had anything less than said adoration for her; that kind of bond and love was exactly what I was hoping for in a care-giver.
No, the issues are my own, and mine exclusively. Somehow, when my nanny is here, I can’t relax and I don’t know why. Usually, I’m working when she’s here, and I’m busy in my home office or on the road with clients. Sometimes, however, there’s an hour or two that I have to myself where I think: "Oh, it would be nice to make a cup of tea, and watch Oprah, or perhaps crawl into bed and take an afternoon nap." Especially, now that I’m pregnant, I’m more tired than usual, and often feel like putting my feet up for a few minutes or taking a quick doze to regain some lost energy. But I can’t. Instead, I run out and do groceries. Or, I clean out yet another closet or storage area.
On these days, my husband comes home (usually around 9pm) and notes that I am more grouchy and miserable than usual. "Why," he asks, "did you not take a break when you had [Nanny’s name] here with the kids!" I tried to explain it to him: "I just can’t!" Somewhere from the depths of my soul is a guilt so deeply embedded that it prevents me from indulging in a 20 minute break from my kids/work/household duties.
Now, our third is on its way, and my husband (who works long, grueling hours at a downtown law firm and is basically unavailable on weekdays to assist with childcare – but, not to paint a false picture, I must clarify that he devotes all weekends and free time to the kids and is a very hands-on dad when he’s home) is concerned about how I’m going to manage with two toddlers and a newborn. Trust me, I’m concerned too, and spend many long hours into the night worrying about exactly that. He’d like to ask our nanny to work full-time for a short term until I’m back on my feet and on a schedule with the kids. Theoretically, this all sounds great and I’m grateful for the opportunity to have such an option. However, does this mean I will never rest? Will I be able to cuddle my baby when my kids are at school, and enjoy the luxury of nursing my baby in bed for hours upon hours? That’s what I’d like to do during those early weeks of feeding-on-demand, but will the guilt-of-unknown-sources spring to life causing me to unload yet more cupboards and cluttered drawers?
I sooo get this! When I had my kids at a babysitter (in the babysitter’s home), I would sometimes take a day or half-day off, just to go home and relax or get a jump-start on a project. Now that we have a nanny, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I feel (irrationally) that if I am home, then I need to be caring for my kids. You might feel better if you explain to the nanny that you want her full-time for a bit for the specific goal of getting some rest and working up to a routine. She will probably help you to achieve that goal with gentle reminders to slow down and relax.
Amreen, I know what you mean! I feel like I must devote those precious (and paid for) minutes and hours of childcare time to PRODUCTIVE pursuits. Even when the kids are in bed and I’m alone waiting for my DH to come home (he works evenings) I feel obliged to tidy, do laundry, etc. What is it with us women?