Lately, there’s been a trend in birthday invitations we’ve received for our kids. Politely inserted at the end of each invite, there’s a courteous request from the parents that we bring "No Gifts Please." In theory, I totally agree with this: our kids have too much stuff. Too many toys, too many clothes and lots and lots of books (I don’t really think you can have too many books, but storage is definitely an issue).
So, for the first party for which I received this instruction, I respected the parents’ request and showed up with no gift. To my horror, many of the other guests showed up with elaborately wrapped presents and big, colourful gift bags! I felt like a horrible person. Obviously, I had misread some code language in the invite that negated the "No Gifts" statement.
Last year, we had a particularly large birthday party for our son, using the opportunity to host many family and friends that we had not had a chance to see for a long time. With 70+ people rsvp’ing "yes" to the party, I requested that there be "No Gifts Please". This time, I observed: some people heeded our request and others ignored it. Some shared my horrific reaction to arriving with no gift when others did bring presents; one parent even dropped off something the next day because she felt so badly about it.
We have a "No Gifts" party this weekend, and it’s for the son of a very good friend. I’ve decided to respect the parents’ wishes and take no present, even though, I have to admit, I feel weird about it. If the parents have included this in their invitation, then they obviously have their reasons, and it’s my responsibility as a friend to respect that. What do you think? How do you deal with this request?
Along the lines of the “children’s charity” party, why not give the gift of a donation to a children’s charity or your local animal shelter made on behalf of the birthday child? You could even tailor the donation to an older child’s interests.
Then you could get a little creative and make up a certificate to go in a birthday card that includes details of the child’s donation. I think that would be a good compromise as you would be respecting the parents’ wishes for less stuff but you would still have something to “give”. Plus you are doing some good!
For my daughter’s first birthday party, we asked people to donate to a children’s charity instead of bringing gifts. Most people obliged although a few brought gifts.
My sister in law works for a humanitarian organization that runs a variety of different programs, including a homework club, a few programs for homeless people, international programs, etc. Last year, I asked her what kinds of things they need for the programs and then on the invitation for my daughter and son’s joint birthday party, I listed some of the things they need and asked people to bring those things instead of gifts. There was a wide variety of items so people could choose what to get and the kids were still able to bring things to the party and learn about giving. After the party, I brought the items to the organization.
It went pretty well, except that some people ignored the list and used it as an excuse to get rid of old toys and things they no longer needed. But we found a place to donate those things as well so overall it was great. We also got my kids a couple of presents so they would get something for themselves.
We got our first “no gifts” invitation for a party later this month. I’ll get my daughter to make a birthday card and I think we’ll make a donation somewhere in the child’s name as well.
For my daughter’s first birthday party, we asked people to donate to a children’s charity instead of bringing gifts. Most people obliged although a few brought gifts.
My sister in law works for a humanitarian organization that runs a variety of different programs, including a homework club, a few programs for homeless people, international programs, etc. Last year, I asked her what kinds of things they need for the programs and then on the invitation for my daughter and son’s joint birthday party, I listed some of the things they need and asked people to bring those things instead of gifts. There was a wide variety of items so people could choose what to get and the kids were still able to bring things to the party and learn about giving. After the party, I brought the items to the organization.
It went pretty well, except that some people ignored the list and used it as an excuse to get rid of old toys and things they no longer needed. But we found a place to donate those things as well so overall it was great. We also got my kids a couple of presents so they would get something for themselves.
We got our first “no gifts” invitation for a party later this month. I’ll get my daughter to make a birthday card and I think we’ll make a donation somewhere in the child’s name as well.
hi Amreen, thats a tough one because you wouldn’t want your child to be the only one bringing or not bringing a gift.the other moms had some great suggestions.and i would probably respect their wishes.you could always do some other nice thing for the child anyways.
thanks for the great feedback and suggestions. my husband took the kids to the party because i was wiped. he reported to me that out of 10-15 families, only 2 families brought gifts. so we didn’t feel so bad. i really like the suggestions re the contribution, with 50% going to charity, and the homemade gift idea or coupon – i’m filing those away for future use.
Oooh, what a good question! I understand all of the points made by the commenters. We have dealt with the whole “learning about giving” lesson with my hubby’s family during Christmastime, but of course ours is whether or not the adults should still exchange gifts. Sooooo totally off topic, but anyway.
The way I figure it is that if someone specifically wrote on an invite “No gifts please” I would respect their wishes. No gift, not even a “token” one. If it was not written on the invite & I am talking to the other parent & say “what is little Sally/Johnny interested in?” & the parent says “oh don’t worry about bringing a gift” or “you don’t need to bring a gift” I pretty much take that as a polite gesture & bring a gift anyway. I actually had this happen to me & my response to the polite parent was “I know you are going to say that & you know that I’m going to bring a gift anyway, but I appreciate you saying that it isn’t necessary to bring a gift.” If the other parent is still insistent on me not bringing a gift then I don’t, but usually the conversation ends there & we all move on.
I guess the bigger thing with me is that we bring gifts to parties & they don’t get opened. I mean, they get opened later, but not in front of the guests who bring them. How does that teach anything to the gift giver or receiver? It doesn’t teach the child who gives the present about being patient & happy for the child who’s birthday it is & it doesn’t teach the gift receiver to show appreciation for all gifts (even the ones they may not like or already have). Maybe most of the birthday parties I go to are for the under-5 set, but I guess I figure if you don’t plan on opening the presents at the party, then a “no gifts please” might be the best option. Make the party about an activity, not the presents. Plus, as has already been pointed out, most kids get so many things for their birthday from immediate family that they really don’t need any more gifts.
I hate those things because no matter what, I do the wrong thing. I’m either the only to bring the gift or the only not to…and I feel awful for the child who didn’t bring the gift and saw the pile from everyone else. But..I do think you have to respect the wishes of the parents.
I would respect their wishes but if you are really unsure either bring something small or make a donation to a charity in the birthday child’s name and send it in a homemade card.
We do the “instead of a gift please contribute whatever you would spend on a gift” and donate 50% to a charity of the child’s choice and the other 50% goes toward a gift they really want. Last year between savings and birthday money from friends and family my son was able to buy himself a PSP and donate $150 to his charity, Right to Play. That way you don’t get all of this “stuff” you don’t need, your child gets one really great gift and gets to learn about giving and those who really need it, and your guests still feel that they have contributed something.
I hate the “no gifts” request. It robs my children of the opportunity to learn about giving. So do the parties where the loot bag is more expensive and grander than the gift we brought! What ever happened to a couple tootsie rolls, a bouncy ball and a whistle? Not to mention parents who don’t RSVP…
I hate what’s happened to birthday parties in the past decade. It’s ridiculous.
I would feel terrible if I respected the request, only to have my child be one of only a few that had not brought a gift. Perhaps bring something small and homemade, ingredients for some favourite cookies or a coupon for a playdate at your home? That way, you’re still respecting the parents’ wishes, but not arriving empty-handed.