It seems so strange to me that we live in a society in which we pay someone else to take care of our children because we often can’t afford to stay at home. I am a working mom, partly from necessity and partly because I enjoy it, but I would have liked to have been given the choice. How can it be that taking care of our children is considered work when someone else does it but not when it is done by the child’s parent?
This really hit me a few years ago when a friend of mine hired a new nanny. This young woman was a great caregiver but I was shocked to learn that her parents cared for her young son while she spent her days with someone else’s children! She couldn’t afford to be without an income and wasn’t compensated for raising her own child. That just seems wrong.
A recent study by Salary.com concludes that a parent, usually a mother, who stays at home to care for her children is worth an annual salary of $164,337. This figure, which includes overtime pay on a 100 hour work week, is calculated on the basis of what the parent would earn for comparible work in the marketplace.
The calculation is obviously a bit too literal. We are parents and we love our children. I think most stay-at-home parents would be happy with acknowledgement of the work they do and tax breaks or compensation which would ease the burden and allow more options for many more parents to stay at home, at least part-time.
Another study led by a team of social scientists in the U.S., The Motherhood Study, concluded that out of the 41% of women who indicated they worked full-time, only 16% would choose full-time work if they had the option. Also, 81% of mothers stated that motherhood is the most important thing that they do. A third of the women studied stated that their ideal work arrangement would be part-time and another third said they would prefer to work for pay out of their home. A whopping 83% said they would like to have more time to spend on family and personal relationships. Obviously, most moms would like more time at home with their kids.
Interestingly, the study showed no significant evidence of the media’s oft referred to "mommy wars" – the supposed tension between moms who work outside the home and moms who do not.
I think most of us would agree that regardless of your situation or your annual household income, something needs to be done. Families need to be given the opportunity to raise their children without feeling trapped by full-time employment. Our governments must begin to see the benefit to society of providing compensation for families where one parent stays at home.
I would love it if you shared your comments below or sent me an email.
Jen
Hi everyone,
I am the mother of 2 beautiful girls, 2 1/2 and 7 months old. In February my maternity leave is up and I am supposed to be returning back to work. But the thing is I can’t afford the daycare for 2 children at $400 a week. And believe me I have tried to find cheaper.
My husband and I have decided that it’s not worth it because we’d actually be losing money (if that sounds possible). So I have taken out a small loan and gone back to school (via internet) to become a Medical Transcriptionist so that I can work from home at night while my kids are sleeping.
Now this was actually not my first choice. I loved my job and working outside the home really worked for me. It was a tough decision to stay home because I liked going to the office and seeing other adults.
Is anyone else in the same situation where they can’t afford the daycare or is it just me? I’m happy that I’ve made the decision because I now get to be the Mom who goes on the class field trips and volunteers at school. That will be my adult stimulation and I’m happy with that.
I think that whatever decision Mom’s make about staying home or not is the right one because it works for them.
Thanks,
Tanya
I’ve been through this struggle and I’m glad I dont have to internalise it – urbanmoms is a forum where I can speak up.
My baby boy arrived unplanned and at a time when I was under extreme emotional stress due to a bereavement in my family. I had relocated to Canada, leaving behind a very successful career in my home country – India. I was looking forward to building my career here, when I found myself pregnant. Every bit of emotional stress, physical strain was worth it the first momemt I held my son in my arms…while I always knew I would love my children as any mother would, I was overwhelmed with the sheer intensity of maternal love. I will really slay dragons for my boy.
A couple of months later, with the pressures of parenting, came the question of getting my career back on track. The eternal struggle, coping with the guilt of choosing career over motherly duties caught up with me. I finally did get around finding a job suited to my needs. I still struggle with my emotions, I hate those few moments in the morning when I have to get out the door leaving my son even if its in the care of family (thank God for them, I would never have made it). But I love my job, I love the fact that I am able to contribute to my household financially, I take comfort in the fact that I am actually doing this for my son’s future, to be able to give him the best I can as mother and provider.
I look forward to going home to a smiling, waiting toddler who thinks the sun and the moon have come to him when I walk in the door. Well, when I go home, I think the sun and the moon are waiting for me too. I am working on trying to spend more time at home than at work, take a flexible arrangement that allows me to work from home. Meanwhile, I enjoy the challenges at work as much as the challenges and rewards of motherhood, perhaps a bit more on the latter 🙂
Oops – correction. Misread the posts. Apologies to Margie, I am rebutting “Laura”.
I’ve posted a rebuttal to Margie in the forum.
Hi everyone: this topic is generating a lot of discussion…I suggest we move it to the NEW urbanmoms.ca forum.
I’ll post a thread there with these comments…drop by and let’s keep the lines of communication open!
Kath
Hmmm Laura I can’t help but reply… In some ways you are right, Yes I do make choices about my lifestyle. But sometimes circumstances change or choices are made for you that force you to change your lifestyle even if you’d rather stay at home…
I WOULD rather stay at home, I am frustrated with current circumstances that have changed. Yes we made the decision to own a home… again I say that that happened because it is ACTUALLY cheaper than renting… We are only paying about $100 more per month for our half duplex than we were paying to rent a 1000 sq ft apartment. And since rental prices and property values have risen since we purchased we wouldn’t be able to afford to rent OR repurchase (couldn’t even get a Mobile home here now for what we paid for our half duplex!)
Perhaps the CAR dying was just supposed to happen… But it turned out that the 97 minivan was no more expensive than to replace the car we had with a newer model that incidentally still wouldn’t have fit all 5 carpool kids. However, that ate our whole savings, so when the roof started leaking and the fridge died NOW we’re left with some tough decisions…
So this is my lifestyle choice that I’ve made… yes, I can choose to go to work while my kids are in school mornings and have my daughter in daycare for an hour and half beyond kindergarten… OR what do you suggest? Choose to sell my house and go rent something less than half the size that will still cost just as much per month? Sell my minivan that STILL costs me less to run than it would cost my family to do local transit? You do the math… And like I said, I’ve already downsized the grocery budget as far as I can, it just isn’t enough! I ALSO said that I TOO have supplemented my family’s income for the last 7 years without resorting to daycare… again, this time it JUST ISN’T ENOUGH!
I’m hoping to be home with my kids again next summer, so, as long as no other disasters arise that’s the plan.
I’m trying to make the point that “sometimes” working or not working isn’t “just” a lifestyle choice. Angela specificly states that she “chooses” to work… because repetitive housework and waiting on kids drives her crazy. THAT is a lifestyle choice!
I don’t “blame” the government for making hard on families to have a stay at home parent, but I DO believe that the playing field should at least be level… and the fact that two people working and making $20 thou each pay less tax than one person making $40 thou means that our government either disregards families with one “working” partner to a disgusting degree, or expects both parents to “contribute” to society, as though raising our kids isn’t contribution enough!
Wow, this is such an emotional topic. I’m a mom of two boys, both in school full days now. I’ve done both working and staying home. Both are hard. I had my children in my late thirties because I didn’t marry until later and it just didn’t occur to me NOT to go back to work.
I was a partner in a smaller but successful law firm specializing in immigration cases. I had spent a decade building a practice and I was truly doing something that made a difference in a BIG way – working with refugees mostly from war-torn countries in Africa and Eastern Europe. When my sons were born (less than 2 years apart) I went back to work happily. After all, who was I if not the person I had spent my last 10-15 years becoming?
In the end, my boys didn’t thrive in daycare and we had several troubles with nannies, so my husband and I had to face a choice. I felt more of a “call” to be our boys’ caregiver, so I gave up my career. It was the HARDEST thing I ever did. I never missed the daily garbage of the office or the politics, but I DID miss my identity as a woman with a hard-won and successful career. I still do.
Having done both, I know that each has its own challenges and rewards. I don’t envy anyone making the decision – It’s something our grandmothers never had to do; they just got married at 20 and began having children. But then, lots and lots of women fought so that we (their daughters and granddaughters) could have the opportunity to even HAVE a career. Let’s not throw that all away by judging each others’ choices. Remember – we’re in this together, sisters!
Sophia
Yikes, Laura! You say you aren’t judging but sounds just like it to me. I just came here for the first time and loved the Manifesto. Let’s try and respect eachother’s choices and not judge because no one is ever going to see the world the same way I do. I commend you for your passion and dedication to your choices but until you walk in someone else’s shoes, try and understand and accept their differences. Did you spend years in a career and have to face giving it up? Would you lose your house? Your friends? Your neighbourhood? Your sense of self? These are the things some of us face when making these choices and for some, it goes one way and for others it goes another. Let’s show some respect and take another look at the Manifesto. My feeling is, if you want to judge, do it somewhere else. I hope urbanmoms.ca continues to keep an open mind.
Margie
It seems to me Kathy, that while trying to disagree with Angela, you actually gave a great example of exactly what she wrote about. It is about the lifestyle you choose to have which allows you to stay home with your children. (if that is what you want to do.) You are regretfully going back to work so you no longer have to eat hotdogs and KD, yet you live in a 2600 square foot home. You have two children, yet drive a minivan. Much as you would like to blame society and the government for not giving you tax breaks, it could be your lifestyle that is preventing you from staying at home.
I’m not judging your choices. We have two cars, and like to go out to dinner and a movie. I bought my two year old a $50 pair of shoes. I know we could cut back our lifestyle considerably, but we are not willing to do so. However, because my husband and I recognize the importance of having an at home mom for our children, I have found other income to supplement our family. For seven years I have contributed financially to our household without ever needing to put our children in other’s care.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I get in a position where I have no income, and we cannot live within our means, I will choose to severely downsize our lifestyle rather than put our children in childcare. It is a choice, which I am sure most families have the ability to make.
I don’t blame the government for making it difficult for families to have an at home parent, it is the lifestyle which parents are not willing to change. While I certainly would love to be recognized for the work I do, by society, by the government, by the media, I’m not holding my breath. I choose to turn my focus inward – to my family. Knowing that I am doing the best I can for my children and seeing them grow and learn and become the type of people I’ve hoped for is all the reward I need.
Laura
I’ve tried pretty much everything… I tried working evenings and weekends so I could be at home days with the kids, but my marriage suffered… I tried to start a home based business, but the CFDC program said I’d have to put the kids in daycare full time, and I couldn’t get the funding or schooling on my own without putting the kids in daycare either! I tried the other kind of home based business too (selling tupperware or spices etc, ends up costing you more than you’d think… considering how much you’re supposed to be able to make for time spent.)
The only thing that works is to take in other peoples kids and charge them for daycare, which I did over the summer. But now that the kids are back in school… Going back to work is the only option for a family that seriously can no longer afford to live on a one income budget.
I’ve finally given in… I’ve struggled for 7 years to be a stay at home mom, but after an insane summer with the roof going on the house and the fridge dying, weddings and babies in the family, I’ve had to get a day job. Luckily my 7yo is in 1st grade this year and the 5yo is in K, so she only needs a half day of daycare.
The whole “I don’t expect to own a house if I’m going to stay at home” thing doesn’t hold water real well either btw… since we pay $800 per month for our mortgage, but to RENT a similar 2600sq ft home would cost at least double that.
Neither does taking public transit, at $50 per month multiplied by 4 people… that’s more than I spend per month on fuel, insurance and upkeep on our 97 minivan that we OWN (It’s a NO-BRAINER to NOT get into $500 per month car payments people…) Besides the fact that you’d never get anywhere on time with our lousy bus system, and standing in the snow for 45 min with 2 kids to wait for a bus isn’t my idea of fun.
It’s frustrating when you can sit down and work out that the single income family actually pays more in income tax than a two income family even if both families gross the same amount. Two people making $20 thou each end up in a lower tax bracket than one person at $40 thou… It’s not JUST that daycare is deductable and a Mom’s time spent is not…
Believe me… I’m love my kids, I’d love to continue to be at home for my daughter… but I’m also tired of going without… of eating weenie beans and KD. I’m not going back to work to pay for a toy or a bigger house, I’m not going back to work because I love my job. I’m going back to work because we’re another family drowning in a society that doesn’t place a high enough value on family.
Thats so weird, there is 2 Taras who did a post on the 7th. I am one of them but my email is showing up when you click on the other Taras name, but not when you click on mine. Weird.
Sorry my post about the home based business didn’t give my email. tle99@sasktel.net
Have any of you ever tried an at home business? I am in volved in a wellness company. It is the best home based business. There is no selling, no inventories, no hype, no investment. You decide how involved you would like to be so you don’t need to be spending countless hours developing it. I am so extremely happy with it i feel the need to tell others. Any one who is intersted please email me so i can send you the information. Trust me it may change your life.
I always feel a bit tongue-tied when speaking about this issue. I’m afraid of stepping on someone’s feelings or judging on someone else’s choices – here goes…
When I became a mother I realized that my plan (developed prior to becoming pregnant) of a 10 month leave followed by a great nanny was not going to satisfy my family’s needs. I wanted to apply my passions to my parenting and not my job.
I struggled through my 20’s to find a rewarding career. I had achieved financial success and built a hard-won reputation and respect for my abilities. It took about 16 months to accept the reality that I was giving it up to raise my amazing and wonderful son. Hiring a nanny or sending him to daycare would change my relationship with him, would change our family, would change who he was.
I am currently sitting on quite a lot of ambition, which I need to check when anyone calls with a job or project offer. The most recent came 4 days after the birth of my 2nd son. I will be gratefully surprised and relieved if I am still getting offers when they are ready for full-time school.
I often think of the things that would come easier to our family if our income doubled (I was earning more than my husband when I decided not to return). Our basement renovation would be done instead of indefinitely post-poned. We would be vacationing, driving a different car, and have a healthy savings. But my sons are privileged in a different way – they have the now rare experience of being raised by their mom full-time. The intimacy of our relationship is not something that could be achieved after 9-5 hours and it is more precious than any other achievement I have ever accomplished.
I apply all of the skills I used on the job in my current unpaid work; I bring the passion and dedication that brought me success in the workplace to our 3 year old’s challenges. I am having to dig deeper and stretch more to meet the challenge of an infant’s need as well. This is a damn hard job and you bet it’s worth more than $160,000/year.
When I was struggling with the decision of returning to my career a friend asked me how much my son’s childhood was worth – was it worth $400,000? The answer is of course it’s priceless.
Turning to the question of why our culture devalues mothering/parenting and the needs of working mothers – it is because we allow it to. We need to change that, and it is a damn hard job too but it is just the reality of the work.
Hi everyone,
Although I do agree with the comments that it is financially disadvantageous for mothers/fathers to stay at home, I must admit that I went back to work for a reason other than money…I actually love my job and although I feel guilty saying this don’t LOVE staying at home…sometimes I feel like I am the only one tha feels this way (although I know that this is not true)…aren’t there other mothers out there who went back to work because that is what they were good at?
Sue
I see your point, Angela, and I agree that we always have a choice. I guess the point is that the choice has huge repercussions on lifestyle. Also, I made choices about my life long before I had children that impact me now. To decide to stay at home full-time would make it impossible to maintain the life we established for our family.
I too would not want to be at home full-time but I would like more options instead of the all or nothing approach. I have a friend who stayed at home for 7 years and when her husband left her she had no RSPs, no credit, and no work experience…yikes!
I agree that the choice is just that, a choice, but there is value in giving families more options and providing women (or men) who do stay at home some recognition and compensation for the work they do.
Great discussion! Glad to hear what others think.
Jen
Hi Jen.
Interesting article on the option to stay at home. I actually believe that we do have that option in Ontario. The issue isn’t really tax benefits, but the lifestyle we’ve chosen to live. There are many families in Toronto who live on one income. They work hard to live within their means. They don’t expect to own a home, they take transit instead of driving a car. Living in a big city means access to lots of free or low cost recreation. In many cultures, it is expected that the man of the house provides for his family and it’s mom’s role to stay home with the children. At the end of the year, the income tax is calculated based on income – one income. The rent paid on the apartment can also be submitted with taxes and child tax benefits are based on income.
Our society is based on consumerism. If we continue to want instead of appreciate every day for the simple pleasures it brings us, then we will continue to work, buy, work, buy – and our children will go to daycare.
I work and I could easily stay at home. I chose to work because the repetitive housework and waiting on the kids drives me crazy. I just got back to work today from one week vacation at the cottage (no dishwasher), and I kissed my keyboard when I got here!
Warm regards, Angela.
Hi Jen
Thanks for your article. I enjoyed reading it, and have many of the same thoughts. I am a stay at home Mom of a very active 13 month old girl. At around 9 months, a number of the Mom’s from my Mom and Baby groups were starting to organize going back to work.
Also my previous job was trying to get me set up for my return. There was a lot of pressure around returning to the workplace. I almost felt a bit guilty or judged when I said that I wasn’t sure I was going to return to work. I would say about 90 % of the Moms I know returned to work after the Maternity Leave ended at a year, either full or part time. Many returned to work, as they said they needed the money, but most returned, so they could get another Maternity leave for the 2nd child.
I didn’t return to work at a year, but got an extended leave till January 2006, so that I have the option. I would however like to stay home and raise my daughter and have another child too. However, the cost of living will make this very difficult on one income. We are trying to buy a house, which is another story in itself, but not sure we will be able to make ends meet with only one income. I guess this is why so many Mom’s return to work. I would really like to stay at home, and have been thinking about ways to make money while at home. I tried looking after a friend’s one year old son a couple days a week, but decided it wasn’t worth $30 for 10 hour days! It’s amazing how doing something so important has such little value.
It is interesting, if you pay someone to look after your kids, you can use it as a tax deduction. But if you stay at home and look after your own kids, you don’t get any tax break. Hmmm. That really is strange. It appears the government wants Moms to go back to the workforce. I think there should be more incentive for Mom’s to stay home.
I have done a fair amount of travelling (prior to having my daughter) and have seen other cultures where the mom works, but their children/babies are with them. That was so refreshing and wonderful to see. I wish that was something respected in our culture. Could you imagine trying to bring your child to the workplace with you in Canada!
Anyways, I would love to read more on this topic, get involved somehow with other Mom’s, join a group to brainstorm ideas etc.
Thanks,
Lorelei
Jen,
I think you make a great point. Wouldn’t society as a whole benefit from mothers having the choice to raise their children – our future?! I am a lawyer and started my own practice out of my home about 10 years ago when my first children were born (triplets who are now almost 11). I now have an 18 month old and am so glad that I had and have a flexible schedule to spend time with my kids. Despite the major loss of income and some serious compromises, this situation has worked really well for me but not everyone has this option or would choose it. At minimum, stay-at-home parents should get additional tax breaks, be able to contribute to RSPs and get the same tax breaks as the rest of us. The possibility of staying at home without these benefits creates a privilege only available to the very wealthy.
Thanks for doing your part to bring this issue out into the open.
Sasha