Do you ever wonder why certain things come your way? I know I have. Usually I am able to figure it out in the end but the reasons are not always clear at the time. When my brother-in-law remarried and my teenage niece, who had dropped out of school in grade 8, was left without a home, I knew with 100% certainty why this was coming my way. I was to rescue her. Little did I know…
I was on maternity leave with my second child and my husband and I decided to give this lost soul, our niece, a chance to come to the big city, get her feet back on the ground, and move on to a successful future. We thought it would take about 3-6 months. How naive we were! Imagine erasing a lifetime of dissapointment and fear in 6 months?!
When my niece arrived she was like a wounded bird. She spent her first few months sleeping and crying, lonely and afraid. She had never had a job or taken the subway. She had no friends in the city, no relationship with her mother, and she felt her dad was starting his new life without her. I had just had a baby, was not her mother, was not her friend, and I had no idea what I was doing. After the first few weeks my husband and I panicked, what had we done? I knew she had troubles but I thought they were easily fixed. What I would learn is that when you grow up secure and loved you have been given a rare gift. I had no idea the depths of her sadness and insecurity and their impact on her life so far.
I was angry at her parents for failing her in this way. I admired her courage. She was so strong to come here! She had no skills. Not only had she missed out on academic skills but High School teaches one so much about socialization, time management, and general life skills. She had missed that. She had spent years in survival mode. I remember asking her as we walked for hours, my daughter in the baby carrier, handing out resumes, what she wanted to do, what she wanted for her future. She looked at me blankly and said, "I have never really thought about it." I was shocked and afraid. How could this be? How could you reach your late teens and have never thought about your future?
What this taught me, this moment, was that I had a lot to learn and maybe my notions of martyrdom were not what this was all about. Maybe this opportunity had come my way so that I could better appreciate what I had been given and understand the value of what I had always considered basic – security and love. What I learned from my niece is that if you don’t have a safe haven, a place you can truly be yourself and be accepted and loved, it is almost impossible to succeed.
If I were to tell you right now who I admire most in this world, it would be my niece. It would be that lost child who came to live with us a few years ago whose courage and determination has granted her a high school equivelancy certificate and acceptance into college.
She moved out on Labour Day weekend but this is still her home. My kids don’t remember a time when she didn’t live with us. She calls me Momma and is as much a part of our family as the rest of us. She is no longer the lost soul, she has a bright future and has changed in so many ways. And so have I. I have been given perspective as well as the opportunity to be loved by and to love someone I admire.
Jen
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