Ethan’s Butterflies

On July 15th 2001 my life changed forever when my third son Ethan William was born silent and still due to a knot in his umbilical cord. He was nearly six pounds, had beautiful curly red hair, a sweet little nose, long fingers and feet like his older brothers. We imagined he had green eyes.

When Jonah and Kyle looked up at me with their large sky blue and brown eyes and asked, “Why did he die?” “How could he die in you Momma?” “Where is he now?” I didn’t know what to say. I searched for books to help my husband Jack and I answer these questions from a spiritual, non-religious, perspective. I also looked for a book that honoured my sons’ loss of their long-awaited-for-deeply-loved brother and the confusion, sadness and anger that came with this experience. We needed a book that affirmed our sons’ feelings as real; not minimalized or put off.

When a book was not found I wrote one based on our story, our sons’ questions and the answers that came to all of us. I decided to use elephants as my characters since elephants have one or two babies like humans. It was later that I learned elephants weep and carry their dead babies for days. I wrote Ethan’s Butterflies after the anniversary of Ethan’s passing. As I wrote the last sentence of the book, Jonah’s words came back to me, “When I give Ethan a flower at the funeral I hope it does something.” “What is that?” I had asked him. “I hope it turns him into a baby elephant.” I was stunned, as I had forgotten this, at least consciously.

Ethan is the baby elephant in our book, which is a living legacy of his life and our story of loss, continuing connections and love. I am indebted to artist and bereaved mother, Karen Friis, for bringing to life our story in such a beautiful way. I hope this book helps families who are suffering the loss of a baby in their lives. Net proceeds of this book go to bereavement charities as a priority. I continue to work volunteer with bereaved parents in our community through Bereaved Families of Ontario and hope to create a research-based documentary to help break the silence of infant loss through my women’s health research program. For excerpts of Ethan’s Butterflies go to www.trafford.com/06-0606.