The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
– George Bernard Shaw
tackling the elephant in the room
I went to an End Of Life Choices seminar with my mom last week.
I want to share some of what was presented. The ideas might be simple but because the topic is so heady, we can overlook the obvious.
Why are we reluctant to talk about dying?
• We’re afraid we might say the wrong thing
• We might not have the answers
• We’re concerned that it’ll upset us
• We don’t want to upset people
• We don’t want to upset people
• We don’t want to make people cry
• We don’t want to make people angry
• We don’t want to take away hope
• We’re afraid that they’ll give up and die
One way to initiate discussion
I’ve been thinking about my own death and how I’d like things to go, just in case I can’t speak for myself. I heard that it makes it easier on the family if they know what my wishes are.
I’ve been thinking about my own death and how I’d like things to go, just in case I can’t speak for myself. I heard that it makes it easier on the family if they know what my wishes are.
The best time to talk about dying:
• Is when you’re well
The best place to talk about dying:
• Is at the dinner table
How do we initiate discussions about dying?
• Prepare
• Focus
• Consider asking advice from someone who also knows and loves your loved one
•Be prepared for grief, hostility, anger and ride it
How do we handle disagreements?
• The patient’s wishes are paramount
• Everyone who is immediately involved is heard
• There is acceptance of opinions if not agreement
Tomorrow I will touch on the benefit of having these open and tough discussions.
And the day after that I will start talking about life again.
With thanks to Diana Purdon who presented this seminar
Sean and I have lost a lot of young people in our lives over the past few years.
These conversations have come up and we’ve discussed some uncomfortable issues.
We’ve also had to discuss the most terrifying issue of all – Cuyler and who would care for him should something happen to Sean or I.
We decided that one or both of us will just have to live forever…
(I’ve found that’s a common solution among special needs parents)
Seriously though – watching my sister dealing the with the loss of her husband last year and then dealing with the death of Sean’s cousin in July, we realized that the most difficult conversations are the necessary conversations.
Such an important topic Nancy. And especially that the patients wishes are paramount. My mom made the decision to stop her treatment. She had had enough. Did we agree? No. Did the doctor? No. but ultimately – it was her choice. And a year later, her doctor said that she would often think of my mom making that decision and it made her realize that the patient always knows what is best for them. Looking forward to your next one.