Q: Last week when I was grocery shopping, my 2-year-old son grabbed a bag of Smarties off the shelf and put it in the shopping cart. I am very strict about keeping junk food out of our diets and candies like this are not even offered to our children. I told him “No, we don’t eat that kind of food. Let’s put it back.” However, he got really upset with me, burst into tears and started screaming at the top of his lungs. I was horribly embarrassed, and tried to stop him from having this meltdown. Nothing seemed to work. Do you have any suggestions what to do in this sort of situation? – Naomi, mother of three boys
A: There is a very good chance that your son was attracted to the colours on the package and may not have even known what he was putting into the basket. The fact that you do not allow junk food in your home is terrific, however your comment “we don’t eat that kind of food” probably fell on deaf ears at that point in time. Children at this age have a difficult time controlling their impulses. What that means is that if they spot something they want, they simply go for it, regardless of the rules.
Grocery shopping for kids is not fun. At this age, children need a lot of stimulation because they get bored very quickly. They also have short attention spans. If you must take your little one out with you (and many mothers are in this position) try some pre-planning with the intention of anticipating your child’s needs.
Keep the outing short. Try to keep your shopping as short as possible. Make a shopping list of the items you need, and move purposefully up and down the aisles.
Give him something to do so it’s more fun. Keeping your child occupied is important in stretching his attention span. Give him a coloured marker (a water soluble one) which he can use to cross items off the shopping list.
Let him purchase something for himself. Allow your son to buy an item of his own choosing. Decide ahead of time what that item will be. Should he spot something on the shelves that he wants, remind him of your agreement as to what he COULD buy.
Make the shopping spree a game. Make a bit of a fuss about finding his item… almost like it’s a game. Also, as you go up and down the aisles, engage him in conversation and ask him “Do you think we’ll find the cheese (or whatever his choice was) on this aisle?” In fact, you may even leave ‘finding’ his choice near the end (but not completely at the end) of your shopping. That way you can stretch his interest a little longer. Be careful not to make the game too long, or this technique could backfire on you.
Play “I Spy”. To keep his attention going, play a modified version of “I Spy”. As you are about to go down a new aisle, say “I wonder if you can spot a box with yellow on the front?” If he doesn’t know his colours yet, then simplify it with a shape (round, square, tall, thin). Or, you can vary the game by saying, “I wonder which one of us will be the first to spot the oranges, (eggs, Cheerios, etc.)” And make sure he wins, at least most of the time.
Be careful when saying NO. At this age, your child is just beginning to assert his independence. If you child impulsively grabs an item off the shelf, avoid saying NO for this word could be what signals the meltdown. Instead, offer him something else as an option. Say something like, “You can’t have Smarties, but you can have a granola bar.” Put stress in your voice around what he CAN have.
If all these fail…there is little else you can do in the middle of a public place like a store or shopping mall. You can take your cart to the cashier and ask her to keep an eye on it for you, while you take your son out of the store to calm him. Let the cashier know that it may take you 15 minutes or so, depending on your child. Then take your son to a quiet place, such as your car or a spot outside the store where you are out of other shoppers’ earshot, and give your child time to calm down. Say something like, “I can see you’re very upset with me right now. You need to calm down. I will wait until you’re calm. When you’ve calmed down come and tap me on the leg, and we’ll pay for the groceries.” Then you need to wait it out, and give your child a chance to collect himself. Do not keep asking him if he is calm, but simply wait and observe him. If he has calmed down but forgets to tap you on the leg, simply say “Are you ready?” AND acknowledge him. This is important. Say, “Thank you for letting me know that you are ready” or “Thank you for calming down and letting me know that we can go back and pay for our groceries.”
And if that doesn’t work…If none of these methods work and it really is a case of your child being over-tired, then it’s important that you listen to the message behind the temper tantrum. Since a two-year-old can’t articulate what he’s feeling he may just be telling you in his own way that he’s had it, is exhausted and wants to go home. Remain calm, finish as quickly as you can, get over your embarrassment and go home. Tomorrow is another day.
Terry Carson, M.Ed. is a Parent Coach and a mother of four children, who understands the demands and challenges facing today’s urban mom. As Canada’s first licensed Coach-Parenting ™ Coach, her goal is to make parenting easier, more fulfilling and less stressful. She coaches clients on a one-on-one basis or through her Parent Coaching on Wheels workshops and is a regular contributor to urbanmoms.ca Urban Parents section. Please send Terry questions by email or through her website.