Out of the Mouths of Babes

Before I adopted my son Alexei from Russia, I had to go through a rigorous approval process. Any individual or family adopting internationally or domestically will have to complete an adoption home study with a qualified social worker and submit it to the Ministry of Children and Youth Services.

What I loved about my home study (I adopted as a single parent) was the fact that as well as quizzing me on everything from my beliefs about child discipline to my family and medical history, my social worker Sharon was not only able to help me work through issues such as bonding and what and when to tell my child, but also to help me develop answers to questions I hadn’t even thought of yet.

On the bonding front I remember Sharon telling me that unlike other children of his age (two years) who were starting to get their first taste of independence – you fall down and mummy doesn’t automatically come and pick you up unless you really hurt yourself – that I had to look for exactly those opportunities to comfort my new son and let him know that his mummy was now looking out for him.

Alexei still isn’t a crier – all those orphanage nights when cries went unheeded take some getting over – but in the early days every time he needed a hug or to have tears wiped away, there I was. Three years on he’ll now sometimes call out immediately “I’m OK” when he falls. This is my cue to stay away and a great sign that he knows I’ll be there if he needs me.

Those questions I didn’t know existed? Well so far adults have been very circumspect when asking about Alexei’s adoption – most ask first if it’s OK to ask questions. But Alexei’s friends – that’s another story altogether!

The first time a little girl in his class asked me out of the blue why Alexei didn’t have a daddy I was able to tell her about the many different kinds of families in the world, thanks to words of wisdom from Sharon. And when asked bluntly by another little girl if Alexei’s daddy was dead, I was able to respond along the same lines – no Alexei’s daddy isn’t dead, Alexei comes from a family with just a mummy.

Happily too, thanks to Sharon, Alexei is fully aware that he’s adopted, that he was born in Russia as he loves to tell everyone and that he grew not in my stomach, but in my heart. Sharon had explained to me that you tell a child as much as you believe he can understand (always keeping to the truth), and as the questions change as he gets older so you add more age-appropriate information. From the conversations we’ve had recently, I am now expecting the “I must have grown in someone’s tummy, whose tummy was it?” question any day.

Despite Sharon’s advice my heart is in my mouth that I negotiate this latest hurdle well. I think I’m well prepared – at least with my public relations training I think I’ve created a darn good key message and Q&A document in my head – but who knows what questions will come out of the mouth of my babe?

Jo is mom to Alexei (pictured above) and a Senior PR Executive in Toronto. Share your thoughts on her story in comments below or in the urbanmoms.ca forum