Q: My husband, children and I have been invited to spend a week at my sister’s cottage along with her family and our other sister’s family too. The three clans vacationed together last summer and I found my parenting style clashed with those of my siblings, which caused a lot of tension for me. I am hesitant about accepting the invitation for this summer but am also worried what the backlash might be if I don’t. Can you help?
A: It is indeed very common for siblings to have different parenting styles, and when they get together for family gatherings they can most definitely get on each other’s nerves.
Here are several courses of action for you as you approach this family time together.
First, begin with the end in mind. Fast forward to the last day of the holiday and pretend to look back on the week. What memories would you like to walk away with? What memories do you want your children to walk away with? What can you do to make sure what you want to create, happens?
Second, talk to you sisters individually about last year’s holiday together and comment on how you noticed that you each had different parenting styles. Beyond the comment, do not go into what she did wrong or how she got on your nerves. Instead, ask each sister how YOU can support her in how she parents so that the holiday is easier for her. Tell her you want her to know that you love her and her children and that it’s important to you that you all have a wonderful time. This tactic switches the focus from you the victim to you the loving and supportive sister. Tip: Use this as an opportunity to talk less and listen more.
Third, take some time out each day on the vacation to regroup with your own family – just you, your husband and your children. Perhaps you could take a walk or go out for ice cream. Reconnect with your family for about 30 minutes and while you’re out together focus on your children. Ask them to share the best thing that happened to them that day. Just ask one question per night so that they don’t get the feeling that each time you connect they’re getting the third degree. Another night find out what they’d like to do but haven’t had a chance to do yet? Another night find out if they had to change one thing about the holiday thus far, what might it be? Family vacations tend to be for the kids, so if they’re having a great time, so will you. Give the kids lots of opportunities to share their thoughts, and if they don’t want to share, that’s OK too. Use the time to be together. Just getting out for a bit on your own, without the larger extended family coming along, may help to dispel any tension within the mega group.
Fourth, share with your children and sister what you are enjoying about the vacation. In other words, affirm for yourself the wonderful parts of the holiday. The positive energy you will generate can go miles in helping you cope with the tensions that often surface when families congregate.
And last, but not least, keep in mind the relationship you want to foster with your sister that will continue far beyond the one week together. With that foremost in your mind, you will be better able to let things go, and not make every small annoyance a 10!
Terry Carson, M.Ed. is a Parent Coach and a mother of four children, who understands the demands and challenges facing today’s urban mom. As Canada’s first licensed Coach-Parenting™ Coach, her goal is to make parenting easier, more fulfilling and less stressful. She coaches clients on a one-on-one basis or through her Parent Coaching on Wheels workshops and is a regular contributor to urbanmoms.ca Urban Parents section. Please send Terry questions through her website, www.theparentingcoach.ca.