Truly Beautiful

By Jacqueline Foley
(adapted from Canadian Living, June 2005)

When Sara Lanthier, 36, walks into a room she turns heads, but not because she has a model’s good looks or the perfect body. With wild, shoulder-length, curly blond hair and a voluptuous figure, Sara has learned to love her five-foot-10,175-pound body, and it shows in her confident stride and how comfortable she feels in a bikini. "When I look in the mirror, I see a real woman – a woman with a big bum, big breasts and a curvy figure," says Sara. "I don’t dream about being a size six; instead I accentuate my bigger assets. I show them off."

An executive assistant for Corns Entertainment in Toronto, Sara says women are always telling her she has good body confidence – something that many of us would do just about anything to attain. She has successfully looked beyond the intense media and cultural pressures for women to have celebrity-like figures to accept and appreciate what she has. In doing so Sara has learned that by embracing her body, she is saying to the world that she feels good about the way she looks and good about herself. Sara’s secret? She is beautiful because she feels beautiful, and the reality is that many of us could feel this way, too.

Change your perspective
Women like Sara are hard to find, I discovered. Trying to get a handle on the issue of body confidence, I sent an e-mail survey to a group of female friends, family members and colleagues. In total, 26 women, aged 28 to 63, of all shapes and sizes filled out my questionnaire. As part of the survey I asked women to think of people they knew who felt comfortable with the body they have. Some women said they laughed out loud when they read my request. Some said they couldn’t think of one woman who fit the bill. Others just wished me good luck.

I also asked this group to rate how they felt about their own bodies, to list their best and worst physical attributes and to tell me what it would take for them to feel better about their bodies. As the responses came in, I began to see how incredibly critical women are of themselves. On a scale of one to 10, on average women rated their body confidence at a mere 6.5 (you won’t be surprised to know that not one rated herself a 10). A whopping 92.5 per cent disliked at least one thing about her body – everything from drooping breasts, big thighs and "hands that look a lot older than I feel" to saddle bags, excess freckles, "maddeningly loose flesh" on the upper arms and thick ankles. Oh, sure, there were things they liked, too, but that list was substantially shorter.

My small survey is simply the tip of the iceberg. A 2004 study of 3,200 women from around the world commissioned by Unilever, makers of Dove soap, examined women’s perspectives on beauty around the world. It revealed that only one per cent of Canadian women consider themselves to be "beautiful." So what gives?

According to Daniel Rutley, psychotherapist and author of Escaping Emotional Entrapment: Freedom from Negative Thinking and Unhealthy Emotions (Pax, 2001), women are their own worst enemies when it comes to body confidence. "Women rarely focus on the positives," says Rutley. "And yet the only way to have confidence is to accept all of you, everything that you are, and that includes your body."

Use positive self-talk
Gwyneth Woodson, 54, is living proof that beauty can come from within. Once shy and reserved, today Gwyneth, a mother of two teenage boys and a pharmacist at Victoria General Hospital in British Columbia, is a successful triathlete who competes with some of the best athletes from around the world. Friends describe Gwyneth as a tall brunette who is driven and fit, saying that she "oozes confidence" in the way she carries herself But she wasn’t always this way. Gwyneth was never athletic as a child and remembers longing to feel part of the "pretty girls" group at school. When she was 27 she started running to get in better shape. Eventually she started entering races. Gwyneth has since gone on to win a number of competitions, including first place in her age group at the Canadian National Triathlon Championships in 1993 and first overall in the cross-country running race at the Pan Am Masters Games in 2000. This has given her inner strength, as well as body confidence. "When I started running and competing, I just kept telling myself, I can do this," says Gwyneth, who is five foot eight and weighs 126 pounds. "Now when I run, I feel beautiful and graceful, like I’m on top of the world and everything is going right. I love what my body can do."

Another strategy Gwyneth uses to boost her body confidence is to use what she calls "self-talk." She tells herself many times a day that she loves herself. And when she has had a rough day at work or a fight with her kids, she uses meditation to clear her mind of negative thoughts before going to sleep.

Rutley says that women who want to feel better about their bodies need to first work at feeling better about themselves. To do this, he suggests spending two to five minutes every day in front of the biggest mirror in your home to simply appreciate you. Your task is to list all the things you like or love about yourself – maybe it’s your sense of humour, your culinary skills or your great skills as a mom. And don’t forget to include things you like about your body, whether it’s your warm smile, your sparkling blue eyes or your curvy figure. "Looking for ways to like who you are helps you to stop judging yourself," say Rutley. "Body confidence is like a self-fulfilling prophecy – the more you focus on the positive, the more likely you are to feel good about yourself overall."

Take time to focus on yourself
Body confidence doesn’t just come from spending hours every day at the gym or starving yourself into a size six. Andrea Thatcher, a wellness expert and certified personal trainer in Calgary, counsels her clients to stop focusing on how they look and start looking at ways they can have healthier bodies and improved body confidence. Founder of Bodysense, a company that offers custom-designed fitness, nutrition and wellness programs, Thatcher also spent eight years working with women who had eating disorders at St. Joseph’s Hospital in Hamilton. "Most women I meet are consumed with losing weight and having fit-looking bodies," says Thatcher. "I tell them that they need to look beyond their weight to more important health measures, such as how strong they feel, what kind of energy levels they have, whether they have good blood pressure and cholesterol levels, and whether they can walk up a flight of stairs without gasping for air," says Thatcher. "When women are eating right and being active, their bodies feel great, and in turn they feel great about their bodies."

Women with good body confidence find the time to focus on themselves and on what makes them feel good. Ksenija Dias, 30, a marketing and membership coordinator for the Toronto Board of Trade, made it her mission to become a boxing instructor. Today, she teaches at Bloor Street Boxing Gym in Toronto. Boxing makes her feel proud, strong and energized – qualities that have led to her improved body confidence. "I meet a lot of women who really struggle with their body image," says Ksenija. "And I see that one of the biggest issues for these women is that they don’t invest in themselves. Instead they focus on their kids, parents, husbands, friends and work – everything but their own needs." At five foot four and a toned 167 pounds, Ksenija has made taking care of herself an important part of her regular routine. And it shows: one of Ksenija’s coworkers says that her pride shows in the way she walks with supreme confidence and wears clothes that accent her best features. It seems that women are drawn to Ksenija’s positive self-image.

"When I look in the mirror, I see a very vibrant woman," says Ksenija. "There are many days when I think I look beautiful, even sexy…I feel really good about myself and I know it shows."

Do what makes you happy
When was the last time you felt really good about your body? If you’re like many women it was probably at a time when you were feeling good about your life, at a time when you were happiest. According to Thatcher, "a woman’s state of mind about her life has a significant impact on how she feels about her body." When a client says to Thatcher that she’s "feeling really fat today," it raises a red flag that there are other things going wrong in that woman’s life. Perhaps she was recently passed up for a promotion, or she may simply be feeling out of balance.

For 41-year-old Holly Johnston from Beaconsfield, Que., happiness feeds into positive body confidence. She feels sexier than ever now because she’s doing what she wants with her life. A mother of two girls, aged seven and eight, Holly is a stay-at-home mom and an active volunteer at her children’s school. One of her close friends describes Holly as a happy woman who is always smiling and who always looks put together, adding that she naturally engages people with her warm personality. "I’m very content," says Holly, a petite five foot three and 118 pounds. "I love my husband. I have been fortunate to be able to stay home with my two daughters. And I feel very appreciated for the contributions I make at my daughters’ school. When I look in the mirror, I like what I see. Mostly I see a better mom than I ever have thought I’d be, and this gives me confidence. But I also see a young-looking, energetic woman with nice eyes and a great bum."

If you’re looking for ways to improve your body confidence, maybe it’s time to look at ways to improve how you feel about your life. Even small changes can make a big difference in how you feel, whether it’s taking time out to pamper yourself, sharing some laughs with your friends or getting romantic with your partner. "Doing things that make you happy can make you feel better about many things in your life, including your body," says Thatcher.

Enjoy what you have
So what have I learned about having good body confidence? Well, for starters I shouldn’t be thinking about my body at all. Instead, I need to find ways to just feel good – physically and mentally. So I’ve stopped examining my stretch marks in the mirror every morning, and this summer I’m finally going to drag my bicycle out of the basement.

As for Sara Lanthier, loving her body has come from growing up and getting to a place in her life where she’s happy with who she is. "I think I became really confident after my mom passed away a few years ago. Not having her to lean on pushed me to be more independent and more comfortable with myself Also, seeing her die so young helped me develop a different set of priorities. I decided life was too short to spend any more time worrying about how I looked; I would just enjoy what I have."

Jacqueline Foley is the Author of Flex Appeal: An Inspirational Guide to Flexible Work for Mothers. She loves to write about important issues in women’s lives. Jacqueline’ s work has appeared in Canadian Living and Homemaker’s Magazines, and various women’s websites. She is the mother of two young boys and lives in Stouffville, Ontario. Jacqueline is a regular contributor to urbanmoms.ca. Please share your comments below or send your story by email to email@urbanmoms.ca.