why i’m not an actress

Even as a wee sprog, i knew that i was cut out to work with words. i was either going to write them (and fix ’em, it seems) or i was going to say them. there were a good few years where i just knew i was destined for greatness. for Hollywood. for Broadway. for LA. or New York. I was going to be an actress.

at age 13, my resume was no great shakes. small parts in small productions. i was a small fish in a small pond. but then i hit the big time. The lead role in my school play. i was in heaven. I was on cloud nine.

The scheme of the driftless shifter. a clever little play-within-a-play where all that can go wrong does. the piano player doesn’t know the music. the janitor comes in to start cleaning up during the scene. there’s an argument in the audience over a giant hat.

I didn’t care that it wasn’t overly exciting. it wasn’t a musical or something well-known. It was going to be my shining hour. my moment of true greatness. where everyone would take a breath and gasp and say, "she’s destined for Broadway." I knew all my lines backwards and forwards. i even knew everyone else’s lines. i had a great costume. I was ready. it was going to be grander than grand.

halfway through the play, during the planned audience argument, i was standing at the side of the stage. watching. waiting for my cue.

"Will you please take off the ridiculous hat! i can’t see a fucking thing!" Josh said. this, of course, minus the ‘fuck’ that he added in – for pleasure. or on a dare. or on a whim. or because he was just a dumb kid – was actually his line. he was supposed to yell at the woman in front of him. my poor friend Neeli. who just had to stand there. and pick her jaw up off the floor. and go on with her next line.

we were all shocked. this was an elementary school play. elementary school.

and i was pissed. because my shining moment, my coming-out party was RUINED because Josh Stein laid an F-bomb in front of the entire audience. parents. grandparents. teachers. rabbis.

no one remembers how good i was. that my performance was flawless. that i looked amazing. no one even remembers that i had the lead role. or what my part actually was. The only thing people can remember was that 13-year-old red hedded angry theater-goer. who stole the show with his potty mouth. fuck.

song of the day: The View by Modest Mouse

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