The number one thing pregnancy and parenthood has taught me? I hate Hate HATE being told what to do. Unsolicited advice is my number one pet peeve and I guess, in various states of sleep deprivation, I don’t really handle it all that well.
Let me back up. When I was pregnant with The Boy, people started giving me advice. What I should and shouldn’t eat (yes, I was aware that fast food wasn’t the best choice, but when you throw up everything else, you eat what you can eat), how I could curb my weight gain (um, aren’t you supposed to gain weight during pregnancy), why I should continue vigorous exercise (ahem, evil crotch pain. not happening)…you get the point. Everyone had a story, an experience, an opinion on my every movement. I HATED it and spent more time then I’d like to admit crying over the “advice” I was given, feeling like a failure and I hadn’t even had him yet.
Then I had The Boy. If I thought the advice was bad before, it was awful now. AWFUL. The Boy was a particularly hard baby. I’ve said it before, but he was born with an attitude that he knew better then the rest of the world (wonder where he got that from??) and there were days where he literally cried from the moment he awoke until the moment he slept, with sleep lasting less then an hour before it would start over again. That’s when the advice really started.
He needs to go to the doctor because there’s something wrong with him (there’s not). He’s allergic to milk (he’s not). He has colic or reflux or digestive issues (nope). You’re burping him wrong. You’re feeding him too much/too little. You’re not holding him right. He’s starving and needs solids (at 2 months). You need to make him sleep (this one was my favourite- how does one MAKE a brand new baby sleep). Ignore him and he’ll stop crying eventually (he didn’t).
The thing I learned is that everyone thinks you’re doing something wrong at all times. You are never a good enough or right enough parent for other people. And while I think that advice is very well intentioned and not meant to insult your intelligence/abilities, it does. It’s insulting to me that people thought I wouldn’t think of things that could be wrong with him on my own or couldn’t figure out how to look after my baby. Granted, I hadn’t even held a newborn before The Boy, but I got used to it pretty quickly. And I didn’t need to constantly be told how “awful” my newborn was (yes, people said that to me) or that I needed to be better organized or more efficient to make this newborn thing work out. I didn’t need to feel like more of a confused failure then I already did.
I was tired and slightly overwhelmed and what I really needed was advice when I asked for it and for people to shut up and tell me I was awesome when I didn’t ask. Harsh…but true.
So now I’m anywhere from 6-10 weeks from meeting my new son. I’ve managed to let some of the well-meaning advice I’ve received this pregnancy roll off my back a little better then last time. But I’m really bracing myself for the onslaught of advice that will come flowing in once I have New Baby. And preparing myself for my reaction to that advice. We all need help, I get that, but we don’t need our faults to constantly be pointed out.. Mostly, I am hoping that people back off and give me space and let me figure things out on my own…because I don’t need any help feeling like I’m completely inept at this motherhood thing- I’ve got that self-doubt covered!
OMG this is sooooo true. I’m 26wks pregnant with my first and I get so much advice thrown at me that I end up just bitching at people ’cause it’s driving me nuts. The worse ones are the ones that have never been pregnant before, or will never be (men! That don’t have kids!!). My best example is the coffee. Working hard at the moment to finish my thesis, I have one coffee in the afternoon, to stay awake and get more work done every day. I can have one coffee, I could have more if I wanted but I don’t. But that one coffee I can’t even enjoy it ’cause there is always someone with a shocked expression telling me how wrong it is. 🙁 I’m not even telling people how much weight I’ve gained so far (I grow like crazy and gained 16 kilos..), I think I would just be blown off my feet with the well-meant comments and advice that one is going to get me. And the thing is, I don’t care, the weight will come back off at some point. Anyhow, I’m glad I’m not the only one who finds all the advice a little… annoying… To say the least!
So Sarah, just keep it up your way. It will be the best way in your situation in most cases! The advice: most of it you just let it go past you (except the rare useful thing you might hear 😉 ). But with pregnancy hormones and all, that’s easier said than done. I know. My God I do….
I need to add this to the list of ‘pros’ of single parenting …. advice is given way less because think the situation is so radically different than with a couple…just smile, and file it in the circular trash file and keep doing what you’re doing!!!
It hasn’t stopped for me, yet, either, and my kids are 5 and almost 3. It went from nursing advice, to sleeping advice, a ridiculous amount of “feeding” advice, how to find a daycare, to choosing-a-preschool advice, to choosing-an-elementary school advice, to how to get into the right sports teams, how to manage tantrums, how to eliminate “undesirable behaviours” (I must have received a dozen emails on “gentle discipline” – I don’t beat my kids. Really.), and on and on and on. It sucks. And it hurts when people I care about seem to think I don’t know what I’m doing. A lot of the time, I’m not sure I know what I’m doing, either!
But so far, my evident total ignorance has made for a couple of bright, beautiful, strong, resilient, inquisitive, active kids. I guess they’re okay 😉 Your little man seems to be thriving, too. You must be doing something right!
unfortunately, it will never happen. then they become older and then you get the “toddler” advice…then you get the “elementary” advice….can’t wait for “teenager” advice. you’re right, it does get to you (it certainly got to me) but i have the luxury of looking back (my two are older than yours) and seeing that i didn’t screw them up completely because i made choices that were good for me like bf’ed for a year and a half and they didn’t sleep through the night for over a year.
in fact, i can look at certain parents who told me i’m doing stuff wrong and see their little hellions completely out of control.
you are doing awesome…he’s thriving, he looks healthy and he’s loving his life and his parents. my advice to you? keep it up 🙂