Yesterday was my first day back at work. I actually couldn’t believe how quickly it came up. I LOVE my job, but daycare has been a scary issue for me since I’ve had The Boy. Fortunately, my wonderful mother and mother-in-law have stepped up to look after him for the next 8 weeks while I finish up the school year.
I got up extra early to get ready. Showered, makeup, nice (food free) clothes. Freaked out on my husband because I couldn’t find my wallet. Gulped down a coffee and ran out the door. The Boy wasn’t even awake when I left (and he usually won’t be, because I have quite a long commute to get to work). Phew.
When the bell rang for the end of the school day, I jumped in my car and raced home. I couldn’t wait to see him. I had felt sick all day wondering if he was crying, missing me, looking for me, wondering where I was. I imagined his face when he saw me- so happy and full of glee.
Dream on, sister. Instead, I got a little boy who was having way too much fun with his Grandma and Grandpa and wasn’t the least bit interested in his boring mommy. A little boy who, after a very quick hello, chose to go to his Grandma over his mother.
The one who bore him was now an afterthought. He had new, exciting people to play with. I am, officially, old news.
I cried my whole way to work this morning thinking about how easily I was replaced in his life. Yes, I know I’m the one he’ll want when he’s sick or hurt or really tired. I know he loves me, logically. But to see him enjoying his time away from me so much really hurt my maternal heart. Secretly, I had hoped he would cry a little bit. Not sob, but just show that he missed me. I know I should be happy that he’s independent and easy to look after but, seriously, after a year of (happily) giving him everything I was looking forward for at least one little tear or whine- just something to show me he still loved me the most.
For now, it’s just mommy crying as I head out the door…
*Hugs* It’s hard. On one hand you want them to just miss you but when they do, as my son’s separation anxiety kicked in later, I found it more heartbreaking. That is so wonderful that you have great support with your family. When it is with a stranger you start to wonder if it the daycare/childcare that is making them cry and hoo boy you don’t want to go on that Mommy guilt trip.
It is so great that you have a profession that you LOVE. When your profession is something that makes a difference in people’s lives, it’s something you can be proud of and I know with me, that help’s ease some of the Mommy guilt.
You will NEVER be old news!
I’m a new mom who wants to go back to work early and have been made to feel guilty for not wanting to stay home, go into debt and acting like being a mom is a piece of cake.
I love my daughter very much and want to be able to provide for her and have money in ghe bank in case of emergency.
I’m not confortable with sending her to daycare with strangers watching her, but I don’t have the luxury ( or peace of mind) to have a parent/parent-in-law to watch her.
I’m glad to hear that your sons has adjusted well to the change and I hope you realize how lucky you are!
You have raised a confident son and you should be PROUD. Really proud.Oozing with pride. I think its awesome that there was no separation anxiety!! It’s a good sign. Really.
I still have visions of this mother dropping off her daughter at camp one summer and she WOULD NOT LET go of her moms legs. I watched this for close to 20 minutes. It was heartbreaking to watch and I still remember it 10 years later. I felt for the mom..I felt for the daughter.
Just a little addition to your blog…..when mommy came home after day two, “The Boy” ran (ok…toddled very quickly) to the front door with a big smile on his face ….his mommy scooped him up in her arms…what a lovely reunion to watch!!
You are (as Jen said) raising a confident little boy! I am so proud of you and my little grandson!
Oh, Sarah. I remember that with my first. Going back was tough because I needed HIM so much! I was a totally different person than before and going back to work felt like going backwards. However, once you are in the groove you will likely find you are enjoying it. And, the truth is, whether you went back to work or not your little guy will learn to love others and will sometimes (more and more frequently I’m afraid!) choose others over you. As hard as it is, it is your job and it means you are doing it very well. You are raising a confident little boy who will become a self-assured man one day!
Sarah – I could have written this a year or so ago! Back then when I’d go get my boy at daycare he’d sob for not wanting to come home. Now, he’s hit the 18 month separation anxiety and I long for those days. Trust me, you’d rather he not cry because when he has to be peeled off you to stay screaming in his once beloved class, you’ll cry all the way to work and all day long. I bet by the end of this week, he’ll be waiting for you with the open arms and the hugs…hang in there!