Remember when you had your baby? Your first baby. The one that was supposed to eat, sleep, and poop. Oh, and cry only when really necessary and only for a moment until you swooped in and figured out his or her needs with ease. The one that you went to birthing classes for and read a few (too many) books for.
The fantasy of having a newborn is often completely different then the reality. In our dreams, our babies will be easy-going, easy to figure out, and fit neatly into the package we call our lives. In reality, very few babies are that “dream”. I was reminded of that recently when I got an email from a friend who has a brand-new baby. Every word she wrote reminded me of myself when I had The Boy. Reading between the lines, I figured that her email was saying what most new moms feel but don’t want to say:
HELP! I’M GOING CRAZY HERE. I’M TIRED, I’M HUNGRY, I’M SORE, I’M CONFUSED. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO?
Remember that feeling? I sure do! Crystal clear to me.
So while, when asked, I’m more then willing to give my advice (which really is only my experiences through trial and error), more often then not I find that a new mom only needs to hear a few things.
You will get through this! I promise!
You will really grow to love motherhood because it really does get easier and better!
Everyone has advice that is “sure to work”! Everyone wants to tell you how to take care of that 8 pound wailer in your arms. Everyone wants to “help”. And it’s hard not to take all of this to heart. Because you are genuinely tired, and sore, and frustrated and confused. You can’t really be prepared for the changes that will occur in your life when you have a baby. You can’t possibly know how to deal with a child that you have no experience with. And with each piece of helpful advice or correction you feel a little less capable, a little less confident, a lot less sure of what you got yourself into.
But the reality is, new mom, you are doing an amazing job. The mere fact that you are concerned about your baby shows that you are an amazing mom. The mere fact that you cry when your baby cries shows how much you love that little thing. The mere fact that you desperately search for ways to pacify your child highlights how great you are at motherhood.
So somewhere, when you’re giving advice to a new mom, may I implore you to tell her:
You will get through this! I promise!
You will really grow to love motherhood because it really does get
easier and better!
Wonderful advice, I would have loved to hear this when my second child was brand new. I had all sorts of help the first time around, and all sorts of encouragement. The second time around was actually harder because I was more sleep deprived, felt like an even bigger failure because I was supposed to know how to do this already, and all the help and encouragement dissapeared. Your post brought tears to my eyes thinking back at how much I would have loved to hear this a year ago!
Great post, and such an important message. I remember when my first child was around 3 weeks, standing in the shower in my downtown condo, sobbing hysterically. all i could think was “what have i done? i have no idea how to do this mother thing and everything is a disaster.”
i called a friend who had a two-year old, and she told me: get to the 3-month mark and all of a sudden things will seem easier.
i picked up and moved on. a while later, i was out with my son, and trying on clothes in the Gap changing room. baby cried, i fed him, put him back in stroller and continued shopping. all of a sudden it hit me that i wasn’t freaking out, i kind of knew how to handle the situation. then it dawned, he was three months.
Great post, Sarah. I remember getting so much crappy advice as a new mom. You’re right: new moms need encouragement, not advice.
OMG. I got all sweaty and anxious just reading the first paragraph and being reminded of those early days. And my boy is 10 years-old! You are so right, though, there is nothing much you can do and say except being there for someone and helping them to understand that this is normal and you can relate. I depended so much on my mom friends, especially those that were struggling as much as I was.
Awesome post!
This post basically describes all the reasons why I started my blog!! If women were more honest with each other about just how hard the transition to motherhood is, I think there would be a lot less isolation on the part of new mothers. Great post!
loved this one Sarah… totally could’ve heard that when Jack was first born… instead I heard how everyone else did everything and how I should “try” to do what they did. I will def not be giving that same advice but will rather use your advice and just offer encouraging words!
Great post – Thanks for the reminder! I literally am reading this only about 10 minutes into my little girl’s nap – which was preceeded by a 30 minute complete and total meltdown (on her part). I wish there was some way for me to understand for certain what she’s trying to tell me when she cries … but I’m doing my best and that’s all I can do. I’m so thankful to have a wonderful husband who does tell me all the time that I’m doing a great job and I agree that it’s something every new Mom needs to hear 🙂 Thanks Again!
Whoa Sarah – GREAT ADVICE. I loved your paragraph about ‘caring when he cries means you’re doing a great job’ – I had wicked postpartum and that type of thing resonated so much with me. I have to tell you, I was ready to kill anyone who said that you’ll get through this and it gets easier – but that’s just me – but the ‘you’re doing a great job’ – couldn’t have been told to me enough. And in hindsight..it DOES get better and you DO get through it…but i couldn’t see that then! What a great post!
Thank you Sarah! Your articles are so refreshing and comforting for a new mom like myself. I was able to handle my little one better last night after reading your emails/advice. So thanx to you, I am becoming a calmer mom- telling myself that I am doing a great job, trying my hardest and that things will get better soon.
The Boy is a lucky boy to have you as his mommy!
yup, you are so right. i was told that sometimes you just have to take it minute by minute and if that fails, second by second. that was (and still is) helpful as there is always an end to each cry, wail or argument.