“Maybe having a baby will bring my husband and me closer,” daydreams the woman. She pictures his hand resting gently on her swollen abdomen as he whispers soft nothings to their unborn child. Visions of picnics at the park with a jolly toddler fill her mind, thoughts of snuggling a lovely baby in their family bed dance in her mind.
Ha! Hahahahaaaaaaaaaa!
I don’t know about you, but having kids has been the hardest thing our marriage has ever endured. And right now we’re back in the throes of it with a newborn and the horrific sleep deprivation that comes with her.
Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I love our kids more than anything and we are so glad they have joined our family, but parenting has, at times, whittled us down to virtually nothing, leaving only our ugliest flaws on display.
Sleep deprivation makes me grumpy and casts a hopeless shadow over everything it touches. Division of labour and child rearing responsibilities is a constant point of contention and we are often each left feeling as though we are locked in separate spheres (his: work, running the family apple orchard, finishing renovations on our home; mine: kids, housework, cooking, diaper duty, relentless discipline of wild-hearted and beastly children) and resentful that the other party isn’t doing more to help us with our respective roles. Oh balance, where art thou?
There is so much joy, tucked away in unlikely places, during these days of life with small children and I know it’s not worthwhile to focus solely on the negative aspects of the challenges. I just find it so interesting (and maddening) that the beautiful beings that unite and bond us to our spouse more deeply than anything can also be the cause of such disheartening chasms and tiring distance between us.
Steve and I are doing fine, so fear not. I just think it’s good to be honest about the challenges we face, since I know other people are going through similar situations. We both know how taxing this newborn phase is on both of us, in different ways, and that it will get better. The fog will clear and I WILL sleep one day.
Did you find having children brought you closer to your spouse? Or has parenthood pushed your marriage to the brink?
I have written many’a’blogs about this same topic. Kids change EVERYTHING.
Having our son diagnosed with autism and then watching our daughter suffer through the ravages of a vascular tumor was what really cemented my hubby and I.
Pretty sure our marriage can withstand anything now.
I supposed thats a silver lining to all we’ve been through.
I do agree that it has been tough…more so with each child that you add, the tiredness, the intimacy gets less and less…while one is busy with the others, you are busy with the baby. My “giving self” is gived OUT on the kids during the day, and by 8pm I have NOTHIN left, sorry. It is hard not to feel resentful and dissatisfied on both parts. It takes a lot of commitment and understanding to make it through and come out together at the end!! Lots of parents split once the kids are gone because their relationship was only glued together by their responsibilities to the kids, but their own connection was lost in the shuffle. Don’t want that to happen. Note to self: Date night!! Appreciate your honesty, and make sure you prioritize that relationship!!
Last year my husband and I went away on a beach vacation just the two of us. We had done similar a few times over the years but our lives were so busy that it had been a while. What really struck me was how much I really LIKED him!
I strongly believe that if you don’t have a rock solid marriage before kids you are in troooooooouble. I have even seen a few solid ones crack under the pressure of parenting. I completely and totally agree, Amanda.