1 10/08/2012 parenting

Flashbacks….

Do you ever have moments of pure flashback?  Where you feel like you’re back reliving a moment in time, as if it’s happening right now?  I had that last night.  I was watching The Amazing Race and I had this insane flashback to the thick of my postpartum depression, when I would sit on the couch with my night nurse Nadia and we’d watch the Amazing Race together.  

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Every emotion came rushing back last night.  Amazing Race nights were the best.  It meant the weekends were over and I had Nadia back for the rest of the week.  We’d watch  and talk about who we’d we pick as our partners; where we wanted to travel to the most; and why I was so sad.  Then I’d go upstairs to bed and Nadia would stay downstairs with Will.  Since the boy refused any and all bottles, she’d keep him happy as long as she could and then bring him up to me to feed.  Back she’d come to gather him, change him and put him back to sleep.  I’d sleep until 5:30, I’d hear Nadia wash the wasted bottles that Mr. Stubborn refused and her tea cup, and I’d start to sweat.  I knew she was bringing him to me and would be leaving until 7 that night.  
I remembered lying there, my head would start to race about how I would get through the day by myself.  Would it be better than the day before? Would I be able to eat? Would he sleep at all? Did my sister have meetings or could I go to her office and visit?  Could I make it to the Today Show without barfing?  She’d lie the bassinet next to me and I’d pray (me pray??) that he wouldn’t wake up.  I’d peer into it and think ‘what the hell have I done here’.  It was scary.
I felt scared last night.  For a minute.  Until I remembered that it was four years ago and that we made it.  Then I felt sad.  SO SAD that I have no idea how to get in touch with Nadia.  She spent six weeks with me at my worst and I wish we could see her now.  She came to visit on his first birthday.  She just laughed and said I told you he’d be the most handsome boy ever and that you’d be fine.  You were right Nadia.
I’m writing about this again because a. it hit me out of nowhere last night.  It was like getting the wind knocked out of me.  It was pretty crazy.  But b. My friend Pina started a Facebook group for new moms and she’s grown it to over 1200 people!  I wanted to share this story with them to let them know that it’s okay to ask for help if you need it.  It’s one thing to be tired and to feel like it’s a bit overwhelming.  It’s another thing to feel like you’re spinning out of control; that you can’t handle things; that you cry constantly; that you can’t keep food down because you’re so anxious.  It’s okay to reach out and say ‘I need help.  Something is very wrong here.’  If I hadn’t – there would have been no Nadia and life would be very difficult.
So Happy Thanksgiving!  I’m thankful for everyone who helped me through the dark time to get to here and to Will for hanging in there with me while I figured this motherhood/hormone thing out.  (Although I wasn’t too thankful for him when I saw him scratch my entire car down the side with a rock today…we can call it even now).
  • Tracey

    Great read, Sara… sorry it was so rough going for you in the beginning, but I’m so happy you had such an amazing person in your life to help you – Nadia sounds like she was a godsend.
    Sorry about your car though… ack. :(

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