Over the last week, there’s been a story in the news about an Ontario couple suing a sperm bank for giving them false information about the donor that they chose to use to father their child. I’ve read a slew of articles and I’ve listened to a few shows about it. And naturally I have an opinion!
Ever since I decided to have a kid the way that I did, people have a lot of questions about the whole donor process. And I don’t mind in the least answering them. I feel really fortunate that I was able to have Will. I’ve spoken with a number of women who remained single throughout their lives who so wish it had been a viable option for them, both socially and medically, back in the day. I am a lucky woman.
There are parts to the process that you need to wrap your head around to proceed. Namely? Your kid is going to have multiple ‘siblings’ around the world. Like a lot. You have no control about whether or not to meet the donor. This decision is firmly in the kid’s hands. After 18, they have the choice and if they don’t want to, discussion is closed. And lastly, you need to trust in the information that you’re given at the sperm bank or rather, you need to be okay that it’s a bit of a crap shoot.
I’m okay with all of this. All of it. Today I learned that the sperm bank I used caps the donor at 60 kids from one donor. I understood it to be 30 when I chose to use them. I guess I was mistaken. This annoys me but it doesn’t freak me out. It really doesn’t. Because I needed to be okay with this unknown before I went ahead and chose to have Will.
The second part about not meeting the donor? Never up for debate. Now, had I chose an anonymous donor, that was pre-picking for Will. He would never have that option. There is a woman who was interviewed on CBC who is fighting to have the details about the anonymous donor who her parent chose given to her. While I feel for her, I have an issue with this. The donor chose anonymity. The parents chose that donor. Debate over in my opinion. I chose an open donor so Will has the option.
Lastly, I put my trust in the sperm bank that the information I was getting was accurate. But, I also accepted that there was a chance that the donor I chose wasn’t who he said he was. I also knew that I wanted a child. I knew that he was only in his early twenties, so even with the significant amount of family medical history provided, even if it was all truthful, he was still pretty young. There were no guarantees that he couldn’t be diagnosed with a genetic issue later, after I’d already had Will.
I’m not belittling what these parents are going through, although the fact that they brought up a mole being airbrushed off the donors face made me question what they’re really trying to prove with this lawsuit. Regardless, it sucks to be misled. If the sperm bank did this, it’s irresponsible and damaging to their reputation.
But guess what? Even if you have a baby traditionally, you are taking that very same risk, right? How many people do you know who are now single parents because they had no clue what their spouse was really like when they chose to have children with them? How many couples have children with genetic issues that neither parent was aware the other was carrying? You just cross your fingers, and take a chance because you want to be a parent.
I guess my point is this. There are no guarantees. Life is a crap shoot.
But man. MAN. Aren’t the risks worth it?
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