Walking For Memories!

I was brushing out my hair after a shower at the pool on Friday when I saw this very old woman undoing her shoes. It knocked the wind out of me for a second.

Those shoes, those wrinkled, arthritic hands taking them off. It felt like my grandmother was in the room with me. Later that afternoon, I was in Target and saw a display of whiteboards. And it happened again. I was overcome with memories of my grandmother. We went through hundreds of those whiteboards trying to communicate through her profound deafness. Then I noticed the date. Mid-January. We lost her six years ago in the wee hours of January 20th.

What is so surprising to me is how the memories I have of my time with her are becoming so much more vivid then the memories I have of my mom. Obviously I had her for longer than my mom. But I think it stems from the fact that we fought so many battles together over the last ten years of her life that they are seared into my memory.

On my drive home this weekend, I listened to The Moth podcast and a doctor was speaking about her relationship with her parents. She is a neurophysicist and her father suffered from dementia, like my grandmother did. She told the story about wanting to change the culture of her family and start saying ‘I love you’ to her parents, which was something not done. Long story short, she spoke to her dad about it and he agreed. When she called him the next week, she assumed he wouldn’t remember as he had essentially no short-term memory, but he said it to her first. She went on to explain from a medical point of view that memories that come from a strong emotional point are harder to lose than others. I’m guessing that’s why my memories of my grandmother are so strong.

The brain is something isn’t it? My grandmother started her ascent into dementia in her mid-90’s. As a doctor explained to me, at her age, her brain was essentially melting. She lived a harrowing 8 years with the disease. We had long discussions about my father’s involvement with the church, about deviant people living in her bathroom wanting to harm her, about my lying about who I was and why I was there. There were days when she would be up endlessly, talking to people she couldn’t see; screaming at people who she thought were there to hurt her; or laughing with her sister who had been dead for years. It was a horrible way to live.

Not all of the memories are difficult though. Try taking a 95 year-old deaf woman for an eye exam. Or take her to the doctor and leave the appointment to have your car towed (we laughed long and hard at that one). Or have her show off your kid hanging in a jolly jumper for all the old farts to see while I napped and listened to her tell them to back off and that she was in charge.

And in the end, she had a peaceful death. She went to sleep, more than likely shocked that a black man had been inaugurated as President the night before, and never woke up. (Remember she was born in 1903 or something… and yes, I spent hours apologizing for her racism).

But she was 103 years old when she died. Well past her expiration date, she would have said.

I have two friends who are leading their mom’s on a journey through Alzheimer’s Disease right now. But their mom’s are not 103 years-old. They are too young to be dealing with this awful disease. Way too young. In two weeks, we have put a team together to honour one of their mom’s and we’ll all be walking in the 2015 Walk for Memories to raise money for research for Alzheimer’s and Dementia and to make a joyous, emotional memory to sear into our minds for Michelle, her mom and for all of us. While we’re walking, I’ll think of my grandmother, who no doubt would have found a reason to chew me out for being later for our Saturday morning visits because of the Walk. I’d have to bring her an extra Tim’s to make up for it.

*If you’d like to donate to our walk, you can follow the link above. And if you can’t, call your mom or grandmother on Jan 31 (hell call them right now) and tell them that you love them. While you do – enjoy this video of my granny….who manages to slip in a funny about the sperm donor… gotta love her.