Alone v Lonely

The tans are starting to fade and the memories of swim up bars and mimosas for breakfast are fading into swim classes and work schedules.  We’re leaving Jamaica behind us but taking the learnings from it.

The big learning for me? I’m a bit lonely. More than a bit. And not just for a steady guy.

This probably sounds insane. I’m always busy. I have too many friends frankly, I feel I do some of them a disservice. I’m fully involved with my kid and he’s amazing. But when we were away, I found myself glancing around wistfully wishing someone was there. My sister? My girls? Will’s friends. God… brace for it… even my dad? (I think it’s a given that I’d love to have a guy there).

When I got home, this meme popped across my desk. And as ridiculous as an alligator head is, the meaning is exactly me.

I’ve been thinking about it since and trying to figure it out. I love being alone. I crave it. And here I was in Jamaica, alone at times during the day and every night, and instead of savouring it, I sort of hated it.

I think I’ve narrowed it down to a few things.

A. I need to make a conscious effort to meet a guy. Not a half assed one. And before you come at me with “it happens when you least expect it”, unless that’s a run in at the gas station or something, it’s not happening.

B. After 14 years, holidays of any kind without my mom are hard for me. Our family is still a family, but we are different. Family dinners at holidays that I used to loathe, I crave for Will to have. As the holidays approach, as we have our non-traditional ‘gatherings’, it’s a constant reminder of her not being here.

C. This winter sucked the life out of me. I missed sitting on my front porch with my neighbours watching our kids play. I recognize this because we got to do it this weekend and it was freeing. Time at the park with my friend Susannah, a given from April–October, vanishes in the winter. I need it. Welcome spring – god I needed you.

And it’s not just mental, it’s physical as well.

And it’s not just mental, it’s physical as well.

D. Exercise and water. My naturopath noted it a couple years ago and she was bang on. I react badly to being dehydrated and she’s right. I can feel it. This nagging illness that I can’t drop combined with this need for water is causing me to feel like ass. Top all of that off with a lack of my normal exercise routine. Ugh. This is easily fixed. Yesterday, Will and I crossed a new milestone, he biked and I jogged. I see this as a VERY big deal for us. Time together and exercising… and not at a yoga class!

So four things that I feel are causing my general loneliness and depression. But three of them can be dealt with! The fourth? Maybe I need to accept that this is the way it is. Prepare myself for these times and just breathe.

So. How was the vacation? Okay. But I learned something from it which is great. And we got killer tans for the spring time!