I have been thinking a lot lately about love. Especially as it relates to, for lack of a better description, romantic love. We all know I have a lot to figure out and sorting through some of my feelings on this topic would certainly help.
My therapist has encouraged me to relax and “just let the feelings come.” I am to do this without judgement or reaction. I am to let them flow freely in and out of my mind, observing and taking note but not analyzing them.
So, I get into my luxurious tub and introduce love into my consciousness. Sometimes an old boyfriend will pop into my mind or characters from a book or a movie but more often than not that isn’t what happens.
I relax in the tub thinking about love, fully immersed in my thoughts, drifting in and out of lazy slumber…
I see him from across the room. He laughs loudly at someone else’s joke and a warm feeling spreads inside me. His laugh. I love his laugh. He looks over. Our eyes lock and he smiles shyly. My heart races. My palms get all sweaty. I walk towards him and we embrace, his hand lingers a little longer than it should on my hip. I can’t breathe.
Suddenly, we are together. Alone. He pulls me to him and we kiss. Softly at first. My body tingles. I pull him closer. Soon, his hands are exploring my body as he removes my dress. He is touching me and kissing me and I don’t want him to stop. I pull away to look into his eyes, at his lips…
I sit bolt upright in the tub panting heavily. Again. It has happened again. What does it say about me that my recurring thoughts of romantic love seem to have more to do with passionate sex? I lay back in the warm water. I think of Jill’s joke about having to tell Dr. R about these fantasies and smile.
And then I feel sad and I think about how little a grown-up woman really knows about love at all.