I have mentioned before that I’m Irish. First generation Canadian. My oldest sister was born in Belfast. Irish is even my nickname.
Therefore I must always have a sense of guilt about me for something at all times. It’s innate and I see it in my sisters. We must have inherited it from our mother, who likely inherited it from her mother.
This is a photo of my sisters and I at a spa in Vancouver. We look really happy but actually we are all feeling guilty that we are doing something nice for ourselves. My sister on the left and I are feeling especially guilty because we flew out from Ontario and left our kids behind.
I’m a pessimist to Seans optimist. I think thats why we work, although I don’t know how he puts up with Debbie Downer. WaaaH WaaaH WaaaaaaaaaaaaH.
One thing I am TRULY grateful for is that I feel no guilt about Cuyler’s diagnosis. Unlike other families we know, I know there is nothing we could have done differently that would have given us a different outcome. His diagnosis is a result of a brain injury he acquired during birth. We know how lucky we are to have a healthy, gorgeous boy running around keeping life interesting.
Same with Eva. Nothing we could have done could have prevented her manny. And we ensured she got THE best care when we were dealing with all of it’s complications.
My first foray into MommyGuilt was when I got pregnant with Cuyler when Cam was so young. I felt bad that he was stuck with a tired Mommy all the time, without the energy to do all the things he wanted. I felt guilty bringing Cuyler home, knowing that Cam only got 18 months of just me.
Once Cuyler arrived, I realized that Cam was actually lucky – our other kids would never get just me. They would each be born into a different family dynamic.
There was profound guilt when I found out I was pregnant with Eva.
We had just come out of a horrible two years with Cuyler and some really difficult behaviours. We found a program for him that we loved and had just commited to – financially and emotionally. And we were finally feeling a sense of hope.
Then all of a sudden we were unexpectedly expecting.
Fear was at the forefront and guilt was a close second. Guilt at how we were going to change the boys lives. Guilt at the thought of having all of them deal with the PPD I would likely get (I had it after Cuyler). Guilt at what we were taking away from them by bringing a newborn into the family – not thinking that their new sibling could also be a gift. Which she has been, most definately.
I mentioned at the end of my post yesterday about being riddled with guilt about Eva’s teeth. Even though I brush them every morning and every night. She uses her Smart Rinse every time. We even floss for gods sake. Regularly. I never did that with the boys (guilty about that too)
I did everything I could to keep her teeth healthy. And still I blamed myself when she needed work done. Not the massive crevices in her teeth. Or all the different meds she was on as an infant for 8 months straight. Nope. It had to be me.
I wrote about a great source of guilt here about 2 weeks ago.
I deal with guilt everyday. With 3 kids there’s always something to feel guilty about.
I know that fair is “not everybody getting the same, rather everybody getting what they need”. But there is always something.
I try to see the silver lining, the good things…but I need to push through the guilt first.
Am I the only one with guilt? Or the only one with THIS much guilt?